Embracing the Self: The Power of Self-Love in Preventing and Conquering Burnout
The connection between self-love and burnout
From material success to social media acclaim, our modern world bombards us with measures of worthiness. But amidst the chaos of modern life, there exists a beacon of resilience: self-love.
In the article, we explore how our internal patterns, need for approval and validation can lead us to burnout and the transformative power of self-love.
The Role of Internal Patterns
I believe that one of the primary reasons for burnout is our internal patterns.Â
Internal patterns are the intricate web of conscious and unconscious internal processes - thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and behaviors - that shape our daily lives and influence our overall well-being.Â
These patterns are deeply ingrained in our psyche and unconscious behavior, often developed over the years through repeated experiences and responses to various life events.Â
Internal patterns serve as the guiding framework through which we perceive and interact with the world around us and can be both constructive and destructive.
Constructive patterns help us navigate life, make informed decisions, and adapt to changing circumstances. However, destructive patterns can be detrimental, leading to issues like burnout.Â
For instance, perfectionism, people-pleasing tendencies, and overcommitment are internal patterns that can drive us to work excessively, often neglecting our well-being and boundaries.Â
A lot of times these destructive patterns come from a place of lack in ourselves: we try to fill that lack with approval and validation from other people and the world around us.Â
The need for approval and validation
External image. Material success. Attractiveness to the opposite sex. Sports results. Number of likes and followers on social networks. What do all these things have in common? These are all parameters that can affect how we see ourselves and how much we love ourselves.Â
All too often we allow our self-image and self-love to be based on the opinions of others, our appearance, and external success.
The need for approval and validation has developed in us through evolution. If our ancestors wanted a better chance of survival in the wilderness, they needed to live in a community with strong ties: when they helped each other, it was easier for them to survive when their lives were threatened.
The evolutionary search for social approval has been rooted in us to this day, but our modern society and world is very different: today, our feeling of acceptance and approval in the world also means our external appearance, material success, popularity with people and "success" in social media.
Everyone seeks external validation in some way. To some extent, it’s useful: the need for approval and validation can provide us with motivation and energy that drives us forward. The problem arises when our self-image and self-esteem depend too much on the external validation.
The importance of self-love
Over the years, I have noticed in myself that my general and mental well-being depends very much on the love I have for myself.
When I am too far away from cultivating self-love for an extended period of time, I fall into my old patterns of perfectionism, workaholism, high expectations, limiting beliefs, worrying that "I have to...", internal pressures and contempt.
When I operate and live in that state of seeking approval and validation from others, I’m doing things in a rush and living out of necessity. I have a sense of pressure and tension, I feel that I’m not good enough and that I have to earn love and validation, which drives me into workaholism. Since I’m not doing things and living with passion and purpose, I end up energetically empty and depleted.Â
I also end up not prioritizing my needs and my own well-being and also not taking enough time to clear up and process accumulated stuff and emotions.
If I’m in that mode for too long, I eventually crash and burn: after all, it’s this mode of living that first brought me to burnout.Â
Self-Love: The basic fundamental practice
I feel the best and with no signs of burnout when my Self-Love is high: when I’m doing the self-love practice, when I’m accepting myself for what I am and when I’m loving and operating out of My Best and True Self.Â
I believe Self-Love is a better mental groove and it enables us to operate out of and live our life with joy, gratitude, compassion, love and patience which positively influences our thoughts, actions and behaviors, which then positively impacts our overall life and general health - including the burnout condition.Â
Although at first glance the self-love practice may seem narcicistic, cultivating self-love is the most basic and at the same time the most important thing we can do for ourselves. Self-love is the basis for many things: self-acceptance, contentment, a positive attitude and a happy life.
Here I am mainly referring to "unconditional love". It is easy to love yourself when you have high self-esteem, when things are going in the right direction, when you’re gaining external success and life is good. But it's even more important to carry this practice into difficult times when self-love is the last thing you want to cultivate.
I first came across this self-love practice in 2020: Aubrey Marcus hosted Kamal Ravikant on his podcast (AMP #239 How to Practice Self-Love). Kamal is the author of the bestselling book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. In the book, Kamal tells the story of how life took him to the lowest point and how he developed the method that saved his life.
What Kamal says about the practice and self-love:
“It’s a state of being that you arise from. It’s a state of being where your choices, thoughts and feelings arise from. It’s a state of mind, who I am inside. How I feel, how I look at the world. Where do my thoughts go towards gratitude naturally, do they go towards feeling blessed naturally, do they just feel love for others naturally. That’s a state of love. It’s a beautiful place to be inside.“
Kamal describes that state simply with the word Magic.
Maybe this sounds a bit weird and woo-woo to some, but there’s a lot of truth about it. When my self-love is high, I have experienced this state myself and I could really describe it with the words "Magic", lightness, positivity and satisfaction. However, I can also come to this state of well-being and stay there through consistent implementation of the method that Kamal teaches in his book.
Kamal’s Self-Love Practice
I won't describe the whole practice here, as Kamal does it better in his book.
The best results the self-love practice appear when we gently and in a friendly tone repeat the phrase "I love myself" in our minds at every opportunity during the day: in the morning when we wake up, in the evening before going to sleep, during meditation, looking ourselves in the mirror...
Our thoughts become part of us and this exercise works on this principle. At first we won't believe that we love ourselves, but with time and practice we’ll internalize it and embody it.
It’s this exercise and a couple of others from Kamal’s book that help us cultivate the state of self-love and achieve the state that Kamal describes with the word Magic.
Very interesting. I'm getting much better at self-love and self-compassion.
'All too often we allow our self-image and self-love to be based on the opinions of others, our appearance, and external success.'
A very true and relevant statement, Jani. We rely too much on external factors to provide us with crucial features like self-esteem and self-love.
We need to generate such positive, empowering feelings from within ourselves.